Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Have you ever had a friend that you haven't spoken to in a long time and as time drags on, you start to wonder what you might have done to make them upset and not call? You ask yourself, "What did I say that made them mad?" and replay your last conversation analyzing every word for what you might have done wrong. You get the picture.

I think that my blog has started to wonder what it has done to offend me.

I have not written in many months. However, I have started a few blogs but left them unfinished. (I am holding out hope that this one gets completed. The jury is still out.)

Never fear, my dear blog, you and I are ok. We're good. I am not mad at you. You have not offended me. I just lost my voice for a little while, but it might be coming back little by little.

To say the least, my life has been different and difficult since April. Sometimes, I have to use my sheer determination to fight off grief. If you who know me, you know that I am quite determined. Sometimes, though, grief does not care how determined I am. It creeps up when I least expect it and I find myself defenseless (or so it may seem at first glance.)

Like today, I was driving to Bible study and I had the urge to call my mom as I have done on Wednesday mornings for the past few years. I reached over to pick up the phone and then WHAM! I get the sudden realization (again) that I can call, but she will not answer.

It hit me like a ton of bricks right in the middle of my chest. Seriously, this is a physical pain that I feel. It made me feel so vulnerable and disempowered. In a strange way, I had to go through the intense feelings of losing her again in that moment. I was flooded with grief and confusion mixed with guilt and anger. I scolded myself thinking, "How could you let that happen again? You know that your mother has died. How could you forget? What kind of daughter are you?"

Once I was done with the scolding and needed to deal with the emotions at hand, all I knew to do is to pray for comfort and peace. (which is doing quite a lot, actually.)

Sometimes comfort comes in the form of a distraction, or a task that awaits demanding my full attention, or a sweet friend that calls to chat, or simply a song. Today, it was a song. When the worship leader started playing the hymn, "Because He Lives" and I realized what we were singing, I felt like God was giving me a big hug. I am so thankful for that. I really needed it. I prayed and comfort came. Thanks for thinking of me God.

I CAN face uncertain days because He lives.
Hey, I finished a blog post! There you go!!


Erin Colvin said...

This is my favorite post. I love your honesty....even in the pain. I love you dear friend, Erin

Darla said...

Lump in your throat kind of post. What a reminder to treasure today and that there is a bright hope for tomorrow.

Jacquie said...

I've missed you and thought about you a lot over the months. I'm sorry you're missing your Mom so much and I pray that you continue to hear a word of comfort from Him daily. I LOVE that song! I always sing it "...because I know He holds MY future..."

Shannon C. said...

"Because He Lives" is one of my all time favorite songs. It just gives me hope. I know the physical "punch in the chest" that you're talking about. IT HURTS! I miss my Papaw the same way sometimes. Hang in there!

kanishk said...

What a reminder to treasure today and that there is a bright hope for tomorrow.

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